Welcome back to another episode of how to lose your paycheck as fast as possible! If you don’t know me yet, go back and check out my first article.
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Enter obligatory warning here: *This is not real betting advice. Don’t take anything I say seriously. Yes I will be taking these picks but if you want smart picks check out the other guys. This is all satirical and to add a bit of entertainment to the Happy Hour Team, please don’t listen to me. There’s a good reason I’ve had to reset my action network picks every few months.*
Today we’re diving into my favorite win totals and division winners.
If you haven’t yet, check out the rest of the guys’s full breakdown on each division in the NFL. They dive into detail on how to make the best picks!
Remember: no stats here, vibes only.
Favorite win totals
Ravens o10.5 (1u)
The ravens finally have some weapons around Lamar this season. Sure OBJ and Nelson Agholor are old but it’ll be exciting to see this offense this year. They also have Lamar locked into his long term deal which bodes well for the vibes. The vibes are high for the city of Baltimore this year
Bill o10.5 (2u)
I’ve wrote about them plenty, I’m not going to keep beating a dead horse. My Super Bowl favorites.
Bears o7.5 (0.5u)
This one is a two parter.
I bet the bears over every year
Like I’ve said in the previous two articles I love Justin Fields and if the defense can just step up a couple times I have a hard time not seeing them get 8 wins this year. Especially since big bad ARod is out of the division and Vikings are a bunch of chodes.
Lions o9.5 (0.5u)
Dan Freakin Campbell. That should be enough of a write up. This man makes me want to pad up and get out there on Sundays.
Packers u7.5 (1u)
Finally the ex king of the north is gone. This franchise is in disarray. Jordan Love sucks. The whole team sucks. This feels like a collapse is coming doesn’t it?
Jags u10.5 (2u)
I just simply don’t understand this line. They barely won 9 games last year that could have easily been 6 if some bounces didn’t go their way. Are they really 5 wins better then what last year’s record should have been? I don’t think so.
Chargers o9.5 (1u)
Signed a new OC , won 9 games last year and I think Justin Herbert is really starting to break out. This should be a fun team to watch if they can play less sloppy this year.
Dolphins o8.5 (1u)
I wrote last article on why I like Tau and the dolphins this year. They finished with 8 wins last season and had obvious injury issues all season. IF (and I know it’s a big if) Tua can stay healthy I like this team as a dark horse to make a playoff run.
Eagles u11.5 (0.5u)
This is a yearly tradition for me. It’s probably a terrible bet but I’ve been betting eagles win total unders for as long as I’ve been gambling. Die eagles die.
Titans o7.5 (1u)
I wrote in my Super Bowl predictions why I like the titans as a dark horse. Go ahead and check that out as well. Simply put Vrabel, Derrick Henry and DHop should be able to scrape together at least 8 wins. I think the jags are frauds and the colts are miserable. Not even mentioning the Texans. Plus they have those sweet throwbacks this year. Lock it in.
Favorite division winners
AFC east: Bills +120 (3u)
This should be easy. The pats suck. I like the jets and the dolphins this year to make runs at wild card spots but the Jets might take 4-6 weeks to really start clicking and it may be too late to catch the bills. Also, yes I like the dolphins but if we’re comparing head to head it’s easy for me. Lock in the bills.
AFC north: Ravens +220 (1u)
As I mentioned above I really like the ravens this year now that they have weapons around Lamar. Obviously the bengals are a great team but for +220 I like the ravens here.
AFC south: titans +350 (1u)
This isn’t even an odds thing for me here. I don’t understand how the jags are the favorite (if you skipped reading earlier descriptions of the jags and titans go back and read it you twat).
NFC East: pass
Ugh this is gross. I hate the god damn eagles but there’s no shot in hell I’m betting on Dak Prescott. You’re probably smart to bet on the eagles here but I simply can’t bring myself to do it.
NFC north: bears +400 (0.5u)
Cmonnnnn ride with your guy Rusty this season.
Browns to miss playoffs -130 (1u)
With Deshaun unable to get massages this season you have to wonder how his play will be this year. This team is gross.
Jets to make playoffs -130 (1u)
I simply can’t bet against this man. Already a borderline playoff team and now they add arguably the most talented qb of all time.
Chargers to make playoffs -125 (1u)
Dolphins to make playoffs -110 (1u)
Titans to make playoffs +210 (1u)
Thanks for reading!
This is an article written by Rusty
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