I’d like to start off this article by introducing myself. My name is Rusty and I’m a moron who loves to gamble (please follow me on Twitter @RustyHHsports). I’m pumped to be a part of the Happy Hour Sports team as an entertainment provider. The rest of the writers here are actually smart dudes. They provide tons of statistics and data in order to make their picks. If you’re looking for that, go check out their articles.
I’m very much the opposite. I’m just a normal guy. I got C’s in every math class I’ve ever taken (except one B-minus in college stats where the tests were open book). All of my picks will be purely based on storylines, my bias towards certain players and teams, and overall vibes.
Little background on me. I was born in the Philadelphia area but grew up a Bears fan. I loved Brian Urlacher growing up and as far back as I can remember, I began supporting that miserable franchise in Chicago. I went to high school with Deej and we have been friends for years. Unfortunately, he’s one of my friends who is an insufferable Eagles fan. The reason I’m saying all of this is because I will always bet on the Bears and Justin Fields and always bet against the Eagles. So keep that in mind as you read my picks throughout the year. The only circumstance I would ever bet on the Eagles is if it was a lock of the week. And if that’s the case, bet against the Eagles cause my lock of the week’s are usually where I’m the worst.
Enter obligatory warning here: *This is not real betting advice. Don’t take anything I say seriously. Yes I will be taking these picks but if you want smart picks check out the other guys. This is all satirical and to add a bit of entertainment to the Happy Hour Team, please don’t listen to me. There’s a good reason I’ve had to reset my action network picks every few months.*
NFL Super Bowl Futures to Bet Right Now
Now let’s dive into futures this year. One thing I love about futures is that each season I’ll take a handful. Is this financially smart? Probably not. But there’s nothing better than heading into championship weekend with having a Super Bowl future on 3 out of the 4 teams. I don’t really care about closing line value, hedging, making sure I make a profit or any of that crap. Glad we got that out of the way. Ok so let’s dive first into my favorite Super Bowl teams.
Bills +900
This one is pretty simple for me. I LOVEEE Josh Allen. He brought me a fantasy championship last year. I am forever indebted to him because of this. The kids got a piss missile for an arm. Easily one of the most exciting QBs to watch in the NFL.
Also let’s assume they get home field advantage in the playoffs this year. Or at least in the first 2 rounds. Who is going to go into Buffalo in December/ January and beat the Bills? I can hear it now, all the haters “but but ___ the Bengals did it last year.” Let’s not forget the Bengals literally tried to murder a Bills player last year. Some people call it a “freak accident,” I call it Zac Taylor had a Sean Payton type bounty out on Damar.
LOCK IT IN
49ers +1000
I believe in Big Cock Brock. Not sure there’s much else I need to add here. With a qb like that how do they NOT win a Super Bowl. Reminiscent of Nick Foles for me.
Jets +1800
This is probably the grossest of my picks. Aaron Rodgers has tormented me for years when he was in Green Bay. Yes, I do hate the guy. BUT this just feels like an Aaron Rodgers fuck you tour doesn’t it? If the bills don’t make it out of the AFC somehow I can see it being the jets. Likely would be a wild card team and making a Cinderella run. I refuse to support the chiefs and that Kermit the frog-ass Patrick Mahomes.
Jets vs Bills AFC championship? Maybe just maybe.
Long Super Bowl Odds
Broncos +4000
I know, I know, they absolutely sucked last year. If anyone can fix Russell Wilson its (Future and his rap) Sean Payton. Legendary coach, arguably HOF QB, Jerry Juedy and I think they signed Ben Dinucci which is good enough for me to lock em in.
Bears + 5000
The most dynamic football player on earth returns this year. He’s also going to be on my MVP picks but we’ll get to those later on. They solidified their offensive line in the draft and picked up a weapon in Dj Moore this offseason. Also if you haven’t seen the pictures of Darnell Mooney he looks jacked to the gills this year. If he can avoid having to piss in a cup this offense will be unstoppable this year. Their defense is questionable, sure but c’mon have a little fun in life. Ride the bears Super Bowl future with me. Also I sprinkled Bears perfect season 20-0 for +50000
Titans +8000
This is a disgusting pick, but who knows. Vrabel is a great coach, Tractorcito and DHop are gonna be quite the tag team in Nashville. I just figured I’d throw someone in here with greater than +6000 odds so here’s my pick. Take it or leave it.
Absolute fade: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take the Eagles this year. Sorry Deej, suck me. Overrated. They have a RB playing QB. They are choke artists. Fans love to blame the whole Super Bowl loss on the refs and the turf. Well I hate to break it to you “birds fans” but the Chiefs played with the same refs and the same turf.
Rusty out
